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The Prescott Daily Courier | Prescott, Arizona

home : features : modern times August 28, 2014

1/16/2013 10:00:00 PM
Column: Lindsay Lohan gets life sentence of being herself
Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton
Syndicated Columnist

God bless America, and how's everybody?

Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in Beverly Hills Court Tuesday for lying to police about a car wreck while she was on probation for shoplifting. The actress won't likely go to jail. She's 26 years old but she looks 40, which is punishment enough in Beverly Hills.

Lance Armstrong ad-mitted to Oprah Winfrey he used performance- enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France title seven times. He said he's tired of lying and he's tired of covering up what happened. Someone should tell him they have drugs for tiredness, too.

The National Hockey League resumes Saturday after a long lockout. Hockey players are a special breed. Hockey introduced the first protective cup in 1874 but didn't use helmets until 1974, meaning it took one hundred years for men to realize their brains are also important.

Nike signed Rory McElroy to a 10-year endorsement deal for $250 million. They said he is low-risk. Rory doesn't drink, gamble, use drugs, sleep around or inject steroids and, for some reason, Nike thinks people will want to be like him.

House Democrats and Republicans worked to-gether to write a bill to reduce the cost of Obama-Care. They want to lower the cost of breast exams for women and prostate exams for men. They're thinking of reducing TSA checkpoint crews from three men to two.

President Obama's step-brother Malik Oba-ma announced that he's running for governor of a state in Kenya. A business magnate in Nairobi is going around telling anybody who'll listen that he was born in the United States.

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