2/18/2013 10:32:00 PM Column: Those 'Funny File' items just keep on giving
Jerry Jackson Courier columnist
Yes, I do indeed have a Funny File that I consult on those occasions when that debilitating disease - writer's block - looms as terminal. So I went to "the well" last week and happened to stumble onto some juicy morsels that a friend forwarded to me late in the past century. Uh-huh, on March 3, 1999, former Courier colleague Richard Kimball (aka Old Man Coyote) emailed a bunch of newspaper gaffes that actually have made it into print. I deem them worthy and would feel remiss in not sharing them with you. So listen up!
"Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday."
"The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle."
"A whimsical number titled 'London Derriere' was played by Stein as his salute to St. Patrick's Day."
"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."
"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered will be $1.50."
"Recent tests conducted by a zoologist prove that grasshoppers hear with their legs. In all cases the insects hopped when a tuning fork was sounded nearby. There was no reaction to this stimulus, however, when the insects' legs had been removed."
"The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as the dead man was crossing the intersection."
"Mr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests'. A large number were in attendance."
"What is more beautiful for the blonde to wear for formal dances than white tulle? My answer - and I am sure you will agree with me - is 'nothing'."
Moving right along, there are occasions when a correction turns out to be just as embarrassing as the original error. Following are three such doozies that you may very well have heard before but which bear repeating:
"Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce."
"Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero."
"In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacaca. The Gazette regrets the error."
(As a silly aside, are you aware of the Iacocca acronym? It stands for "I am chairman of Chrysler Corporation of America" even though he isn't anymore. Oh well, just thought you'd like to know.)
Contact the columnist at firstname.lastname@example.org.